If you'd rather watch the video version here ya go:
Addiction can be distilled into one sentence. A sentence formulated by impressions. Impressions that were incorrectly interpreted as truth. A truth that was imprinted on the subconscious. A subconscious that orchestrated reality.
Sure, it isn't always one sentence. Maybe it was a series of spoken or unspoken messages. For me, I was able to pinpoint the origin of my meth addiction:
“There’s no way you’re my real son.”
Imagine hearing this from your father as a seven-year-old boy. There is nothing implicit about that message. No unspoken impression for me to perceive. It was very clear that I was rejected. My true self was not good enough. I was not good enough.
Those seven words spoken to me by my dad set the tone for the next three decades of my life. Everything I experienced was interpreted through the lens of rejection. Everyone I met felt my insatiable need for external approval (especially men).
Tara Bennett-Goleman, in her book Emotional Alchemy, called this phenomenon "Exclusion Schema". “In short, the exclusion schema makes him act in a way that ensures that its core belief — “I don’t belong”— will come true.” This is the EGO at work (for more on this, see my piece on the EGO).
My subconscious remained on alert for any sign of exclusion. Subtle hints that someone didn't like me or the group was leaving me out sent me into a downward spiral.
Maybe this sounds familiar or you see it playing out in the lives of other addicts. There is a distinct WHY behind this behavior and your addiction.
Sometimes the WHY doesn't matter. I understand that. I also feel that what's most important is the motivation behind discovering the WHY. I wanted to know more about my path to addiction, but not because I wanted to place blame. My search for knowledge intended to shed light on the darkness of my subconscious.
Awareness empowers the addict to control the route forward.
Here's an illustrative map I developed for my own life's journey. And others have used it for theirs.
Let's break each milestone down so you can apply it to your experience.
1-Early Messages:
Imagine you're sitting by Oprah on the stage. She's interviewing you about your life's story. She asks, "Can you share with me which earliest memories immediately come to mind that shaped your life?" What are the first impressions that come to mind?
Take note of the emotion evoked by the memories, not the details. Now, bring that emotion into your awareness and embody it viscerally. While holding that emotion in your body, allow a common theme to arise from these incidents.
2-Beliefs.
Bring this theme (or themes) into your mind's eye and meditate on it. What are some "I am" statements that could be extracted? For example, mine were "I am not allowed to be myself" and "I am not good enough to belong."
Write these down, and read them aloud. You'll feel a shift in your body. You are going to feel resonance with them if they align with your internal beliefs.
3-Reality
Focus on your life from a broad view; school, family, friends, relationships. How can you see those "I am" statements driving the circumstances of your life? Reflecting on circumstances, behavior, and decisions: how were you subconsciously proving these beliefs?
Observe the recurring patterns. You'll discover the answers to "Why does this keep happening to me?" or "Why do I keep attracting the same type of person?"
4-Fixation
As addicts, we are all filling a void. My fixation was on receiving external validation. I was filling the void of acceptance; something I didn't receive as a child. The problem is that we will never get enough external to satisfy the internal.
What were/are you chasing? How can you give that to yourself now?
5-Addiction
The substance or behavior fills the void and overflows into high levels of bliss. The extreme levels deepen the void, requiring more addictive behaviors to fill it.
We are then fighting our own pain/pleasure mechanisms in the brain. We get stuck in a push-and-pull with neural pathway habits and imbalanced brain makeup.
Here's a simple graphic representation of this process. As you watch, personalize it to your experience. What comes up for you?
For addicts, the WHY matters because knowledge is power. Awareness de-weaponizes the past and puts you in the driver's seat. The route is yours to create.
After plotting your road to addiction, you may ask "Now what?". Schedule a free session with me and we will answer that question.
Responses