The Myth of Sex Addiction
On my back.
Under the stars.
On the streets of Charlotte.
One week sober and overwhelmed.
It was early August 2018. I had celebrated my 41st birthday in county jail. Now, I was ready to build it all back.
I remember feeling a sense of excitement as I imagined living with my kiddos again, working a normal job, and driving my own car. But, from that sidewalk as my bed for the night, how in the hell would I ever make this happen?
The enormity of the task was enough to make me turn back to my addict's life. And this is the point where many people give up. I can totally understand.
I needed money for a rental deposit and the first month's rent, what furniture I had left was scheduled to be auctioned off in two weeks, and I needed to buy, or at least rent, a car. How could I make this happen in a short amount of time and balance drug treatment court/rehab?
That's the moment I decided to become a sex worker. Or, in my case, a prostitute (there's is a difference).
There were other options for raising the money. But, I chose selling sexual favors. Why did that decision seem so easy and natural to me? Why did it also give me a jolt of excitement and hope?
I had diagnosed myself as a sex addict. I decided that was the driving force behind my addiction to meth and the hypersexuality that accompanied the substance misuse. So, if I couldn't have meth anymore, I would find my dopamine fix another way.
This is the danger of attaching to an identity. "I have ADHD" or "I have ____ illness" or "I am a procrastinator" or "I am an addict". When we latch onto labels, we then latch on to the correlating programming. Now, we create circumstances that line up with the identification.
I wasn't a sex addict. I was desperately seeking what was missing inside. Acceptance.
But, because I chose an identity, I was confined to making decisions that supported it.
We are placing limits on our lives by attaching to roles and labels. And this is more beautifully explained by Ken Howard with Gay Therapy LA.
Listen to this week's episode here:
In this episode of The Aftermeth Podcast, I had the privilege of speaking with Ken Howard, LCSW CST, a psychotherapist with over 32 years of experience specializing in gay men's mental health. Our conversation delved into the controversial topic of sex addiction, its impact on the gay male community, and strategies for navigating sober sex after crystal meth addiction.
The Myth of Sex Addiction: Ken offers a critical perspective on the concept of sex addiction, noting that it lacks clear diagnostic criteria and scientific evidence. He emphasizes the importance of examining the underlying motives behind sexual behavior rather than labeling it as an addiction. Ken suggests that hypersexuality is often a symptom of deeper issues such as anxiety, depression, trauma, or self-medication.
Embracing Sexual Health: Rather than pathologizing sexual behavior, Ken advocates for a framework of sexual health based on six principles: consent, honesty, mutual pleasure, prevention of HIV/STDs, and self-acceptance. By evaluating sexual experiences through this lens, gay men can make informed choices that align with their values and well-being.
Redefining Identity in Recovery: For many gay men, crystal meth use becomes intertwined with their sexual identity. Ken emphasizes the importance of redefining one's sense of self in recovery, focusing on passions, causes, or professions that bring meaning and purpose. By investing in work, relationships, and personal growth, individuals can cultivate a strong foundation for sober living.
Navigating Sober Sex: Reclaiming sexual confidence and pleasure without crystal meth can be a gradual process. Ken suggests that patience, self-compassion, and open communication with partners are key. By reconnecting with one's body and desires, and seeking out supportive relationships, gay men can rediscover the joys of sober intimacy.
Identifying with any type of label or diagnosis locks you into that state of being and removes your sovereignty. "I'm a sex addict" can lead to giving yourself permission to act out sexually and also disempower yourself from creating your own identity.
After getting sober from chemsex, we are required to redefine everything about ourselves, including our definition of 'good sex' and 'ample amounts of sex' and 'sober sex'. So many men come to me defeated about sex after meth because they have already defined the experience in their heads.
This is your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to create your identity and your reality. You get to decide what you want and how you want it. Why are you bowing down to the expectations given to you by mainstream media and mainstream gay culture?
Break Free.
Journal Prompts:
- Write a letter to your younger self, offering wisdom and compassion around your sexual journey. What insights or affirmations would you share?
- Reflect on a time when you felt truly sexually confident and embodied. What factors contributed to this sense of empowerment, and how can you cultivate more of these experiences in your recovery?
- Envision your ideal sober sex life one year from now. What qualities, experiences, or dynamics would make it fulfilling for you? What steps can you take to move closer to this vision?
Remember, healing is a non-linear process, and setbacks are a natural part of growth. By staying committed to your recovery, seeking out support, and practicing self-compassion, you can navigate the challenges of sober sexuality with resilience and grace.
Love, Dallas 💚
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