The most frequent question I'm asked through my DM's is: How did you do it?
How I broke free from daily IV use of crystal meth could be a layered and complicated answer. But it isn't.
I chose the path of least resistance. I set up my life so that there was no room for choice.
From the day I stood in front of my kids and promised to quit using Tina, I filled my life so full that abstinence was my only option.
Rising at 5 am to catch the public bus downtown to the courthouse to pee in a cup, then across town to drug treatment, then across town again to my serving job until 2 am.
And on the days the restuaruant didn't schedule me, I picked up a shift and then a second job.
Those observing love-bombed me with admiration. Look at how hard he is working at sobriety!
They didn't understand that I knew myself well enough that I would return to Tina if I had any room to make my own choices.
My life was designed out of necessity.
That experience still benefits me today. I distill my day-to-day down to almost no choice; my calendar is scheduled hour by hour, down to my naps, and my food is prepared ahead of time.
The simpler I make my life, the more powerful I become.
(This is the number one failure I see in my clients. They leave too much space in their life in early recovery to make decisions on their own. In the first year, the pull of Tina is too strong to take that kind of risk. If you'd like to learn more about my coaching philosophy, click here to apply for my 1:1 Coaching Program)
Does this mean after almost seven years I still can't trust myself? No. It means I've learned a valuable life lesson from my experience with meth, and I carry it forward to reach my full potential.
The simpler I make my life, the more powerful I become.
This is why I resonate with a principle from a book I follow called "A Course in Miracles." The course states that we only have two emotions: Fear and Love.
Distilling the overwhelming concept of emotion into two choices has allowed me to become deeply self-aware, emotionally intelligent, and profoundly helpful as a coach.
So, let's discuss fear and love:
Growing up in the gay community, many of us learned to live in fear.
Fear became our constant companion, shaping our choices before we even realized we were choosing.
Fear of rejection whispered that we needed to be different.
Fear of not being enough drove us to seek validation in increasingly dangerous places.
Fear of being too much taught us to dim our light.
Fear of being seen made us hide our truth.
Fear of not being seen at all pushed us toward increasingly dramatic ways of getting attention.
These fears didn't appear out of nowhere.
They grew from early experiences where we learned that safety meant hiding, that love was conditional, and that acceptance came at a price.
Some of us grew up in homes where our difference was met with silence or shame. Others found themselves in communities where our worth was measured by our bodies, our status, or our ability to party.
Each experience reinforced the belief that we weren't okay just as we were.
Enter crystal meth – a substance that seemed to answer every fear with a powerful promise.
It whispered that we could be fearless, desirable, connected.
It offered an escape from the constant anxiety of not measuring up.
When we were high, we finally felt seen, wanted, enough. The drug became our shield against vulnerability, our ticket to belonging, our solution to the deep loneliness that had become so familiar.
But like all promises born from fear, it was an illusion.
What started as a solution became its own prison.
The very substance we used to escape our fears ended up amplifying them: fear of being found out, fear of losing control, fear of what we might do to get the next hit, fear of who we were becoming.
Here's what I've learned in my journey and through studying A Course in Miracles: we choose fear or love at any given moment.
There is no middle ground, no gray area, no in-between. Y'all black-and-white thinkers are really digging this, I know 😄.
Every thought we think, every word we speak, and every action we take stems from one of these two emotions.
This isn't just spiritual theory – it's a practical tool for understanding our choices and transforming our recovery journey. And ultimately, transforming our entire life experience.
When we understand this fundamental truth, recovery shifts from being just another fearful struggle to a sacred path of returning to love.
It's no longer about fighting against addiction or forcing ourselves to stay sober through willpower.
Instead, it becomes a moment-by-moment practice of choosing love over fear, of remembering who we really are beneath all the layers of protection we built to feel safe.
Think about it: When we're using crystal meth, we're choosing based on fear – fear of facing our feelings, fear of intimacy, fear of not being enough.
But when we choose to abstain from a place of love, we're choosing to honor our true selves, to trust in our innate worthiness, to believe in our capacity to heal and connect authentically.
Let's Go Deeper:
Fear: The Voice of the Ego
When we're operating from fear, we're listening to the ego – that part of us that believes in lack, separation, and the need for external validation. The ego is the voice that:
- Tells us to run from life when emotions get difficult
- Tells us that relapse is 'bad' and we are even worse.
- Tells us we need crystal meth to feel confident in sexual situations
- Convinces us we're not worthy of genuine connection
- Whispers that we'll never be enough without the high
- Insists that recovery is too hard and relapse is inevitable
Take a moment to reflect: When was the last time you made a decision about using or not using? What voice were you listening to? Did you operate from fear or love?
Love: The Voice of Your Higher Self
Love speaks differently. It's the quiet voice of truth that:
- Helps us to feel love for ourelves, unconditionally
- Allow us to see everyone else as the same, not different
- Reminds us we are whole and complete exactly as we are
- Shows us that genuine connection comes from authenticity, not chemicals
- Knows that our worth isn't determined by our past choices
- Gently guides us toward healing, one moment at a time
Once you've made a deliberate intention to observe your thoughts throughout the day (and again, becoming the observer is the number one way to break free from addictive patterns), you will be able to discern right away where each thought, word, and emotions is born.
You'll begin to pause in mid-sentence when you suddently discern that the words you are speaking are from a place of fear.
You'll be able to pause in mid-thought and filter out fear-based thought patterns before they become words.
You'll be able to pause and shift in your physical body when an emotion arises that is not rooted in love and observe it, but not attach to it.
All you have to do is set an intention. The rest will come, I promise.
Exercise: The Love Mirror: Sit in front of a mirror for five minutes (set a timer), Look into your own eyes, For each judgmental thought that arises, counter it with "I choose to see love instead of this", Notice how your body feels when you shift from judgment to love.
Discerning Between Fear and Love
This section, to me, is the most important information you will read when it comes to recovery. Understanding the nature of fear and love will put you on a new trajectory.
Your life won't be all about abstaining from crystal meth, it will evolve into realizing your full potential. It will become the embodiment of the life you've always meant to live.
Your best and highest existence.
Operating from love creates love. Your life will drastically, change. I promise.
So, look at the lists below and take note. Compare your emotions, thoughts, words, and actions to this list. Begin to ask yourself "Is this rooted in fear or love?"
Now, every day, veer more into love.
Fear feels:
- Constricting
- Urgent
- Like you're being pushed
- Full of "should" and "must"
- Focused on the past or future
Love feels:
- Expansive
- Patient
- Like you're being guided
- Full of choice and possibility
- Present in the now
When you think about staying sober today, does the thought feel expansive or constricting? Are your recovery goals coming from a place of self-punishment or self-love? What would change in your recovery if you approached it from complete self-acceptance?
The Practice of Choosing Love
Recovery becomes easier when we understand that every moment presents the same simple choice: fear or love?
Here's how to practice choosing love:
- Pause and Breathe: When cravings or difficult emotions arise, pause. Take three deep breaths. This creates space between the trigger and your response.
- Question the Voice: Ask yourself:
- Is this thought coming from love or fear?
- What am I afraid of in this moment?
- What would love do here?
- Choose Again: If you notice you're choosing fear, simply choose again. The Course teaches us that we always have another chance to choose love.
Journal Exercise: Love Letters: Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of pure love. What would love say about:
- Your struggles with addiction
- Your worth and value as a person
- Your capacity for healing
- Your future in recovery
Daily Practice: Fear to Love Transformation
Keep a small notebook with you. Throughout the day, when you notice fear-based thoughts, write them down. Then, rewrite each thought from a perspective of love.
Example: Fear thought: "I'll never be able to stay sober at pride events." Love thought: "I choose to see each moment as an opportunity to love myself more deeply."
It will help if you reframe your journey from crystal meth to sobriety as a journey from fear back to love.
Every time you choose love over fear – even in the smallest moments – you're healing not just yourself, but contributing to the healing of our entire community.
Your recovery isn't about becoming a different person. It's about returning to the truth of who you've always been: a perfect expression of love, temporarily believing the ego's fears.
When the path feels difficult, ask yourself: What would love do here? The answer will always guide you home.
I love you all so much! Dallas 💚
P.S. Final Reflection: Take a moment now to place your hand on your heart. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Can you feel the love that's always been there, waiting patiently for you to remember? That's your truth. That's your power. That's your healing.
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