Letter to Myself in Active Addiction
August 4, 2023:
It is August 4, 2018. A day before your birthday. I know that you’ve roamed around uptown Charlotte, NC in a confused fog for hours looking for your belongings. You hid your bag of clothes, laptop, and toiletries somewhere in a parking building. Now you have been desperately trying to find a convenience store so you can steal a phone charger.
Your clothes are soaked with sweat, and your level of panic is becoming mania. Looking at the tops of the skyscrapers, you are convinced that you are in Roanoke, Va, again. But actually, nothing looks familiar as many times as you circle the same block. It is getting dark.
The next few hours will be a blur. You approach a police officer and ask him to charge your phone. You hand him your phone and wallet and just lean against his car. Something in you knows that it is time to give up. You are going to end the night lying down on a very cold one-inch mat alongside a group of other inmates.
You ask one of the officers to please allow a note to be written to yourself. You haven’t slept in eight days and somehow you are coherent enough to remember that when you wake up in the morning you will be in complete hysteria.
The note reads, “You are in jail in Charlotte, NC”. You’ll collapse into sleep with the note tightly grasped in your fist.
This will begin your sobriety story. It may be hard to believe right now, but in five years, you’ll have started your own business, living in a comfortable home, driving a new car, rebuilt relationships with your mom and children, and the felony charges will be wiped away. Quite an accomplishment for a guy who was shoplifting from Target just last week for his next fix.
I am writing to provide the top five things that I’ve learned in hopes that it prepare you and many others for the life-changing process of being sober.
1. Fake it until you make it. In the beginning, you are going to quit using meth to satisfy drug treatment court, prove yourself to those you’ve disappointed, and advance levels in rehab. There’s going to be a voice inside quietly planning to use again. You are going to miss the wild and unpredictable life of an addict. Once you’ve put some stability in place, you are really going to be triggered.
I need you to know that there is no need to feel guilt or shame around this. And if you can find one person to admit it to, it is going to alleviate so much built-up fear. The counselor at rehab needs you to admit your vulnerability. It shows growth. I know you are afraid that he will make you stay longer if you are truthful, but I promise that it is a sign of maturity.
It is vital that you stay completely away from the drug, even if you are in the fake-it mode. This will bridge the gap between where you are now and embodying your new identity.
2. Proceed With Caution. Once you are out of the confines of drug court, the real test begins. But keep in mind that you are in an extremely impressionable and vulnerable state of mind. It is vitally important that you keep your shame at bay. Shame will cause you to cower to programs that manipulate and use fear to control. Shame will cause you to blindly follow spiritual leaders who prey on impressionable minds.
Sobriety will lead you to depths of self-awareness that you’ve never thought possible. You will begin to connect with a higher version of yourself. This relationship will enable you to define the parameters of your sobriety. Consider all options, but listen to your gut. You can pull portions of knowledge from all sides to make decisions that feel right for you. But you owe nothing to no one. Let’s leave people pleasing in the past.
3. Relapse is a Stepping Stone. In year three you will experience what seems like a random relapse. This will be a decision point for you to “start over” or “dig deeper”. Relapse is part of the journey and it will be part of your message to others who might succumb to shaming from the sobriety system to reframe the perspective of relapse. The experience will electrify your progress and understanding of the origins of your addiction, cleansing out the remaining residue.
Part of your purpose is to be a voice for those who are embarrassed to make their journey public, especially crystal meth addicts. You will receive private messages from around the world from men who found healing and community through your vulnerable social media posts. So, ignore the noise about relapse and use your unique perspective to give hope to those who are stuck and ashamed.
4. Healing is Cross-Sectional. As you observe yourself closer and deeper, you’ll discover some deep wounds and shadow aspects of yourself that will scare the s*** out of you. It is ok to be scared and it is ok to move at your own pace. Remember the overused cliche: this is a marathon, not a sprint. As you peel back one scar, you’ll discover that it was covering over a different scar. You’ve had maladaptive behaviors governing your life for decades now that have produced s*x, p**n, love, and attention addictions. Not to mention — and this will be a hard pill to swallow- but you are also an alcoholic.
There is much to uncover, and hard decisions to make. But, please keep in mind that the work is never complete. You’ll continue to discover new aspects of yourself, even after five years. The latest epiphany is understanding that you have developed an Exclusion Wound. There is an underlying belief that you don’t belong anywhere and that you’ll be rejected by everyone. Think about how that has skewed all of your relationships!
5. Discernably Find Community. Your tribe will be an important ingredient in this journey. This group of people need not be in recovery. Actually, you’ll find more value in bonding with people who haven’t dealt with substance abuse because there is a higher level of empathy, acceptance, and unconditional love.
Being involved in a mixed crowd will be nice because the diversity of thought and worldview will supplement your sobriety experience. Find people who are moving forward, not stagnantly accepting that a disease will be like a monkey on their back for eternity.
You’ll find clarity in certain ancient plant medicines. Accept these as spiritual helpers along the path. There is no need to feel any guilt for utilizing psychedelic modes of treatment. Do not hesitate, I’m telling you. Lean on your community for guidance and support as you integrate the deep introspective learning you’ll gain via these plants.
You feel overwhelmed right now as you walk out of jail. Your kids are waiting for you in the car. They love you. They need you. They miss you. Use that motivation to get through one day at a time.
From your five-year future self, you have got this. You can’t see it right now, but you will. Get ready for a wild ride. 🙂
Responses