I was known in the Tina community as the 'wildcard'. A Russian dealer with one leg dubbed me with that title. (He follows me, so I hope he enjoys the shout-out)
I took dangerous risks, often leaping before looking.
But on this particular night, I was scared out of my mind.
I had one hand on the dash and one hand on the door handle. The van was swerving from the median to the guardrails.
My eyes darted from the road to the driver. Every time he dozed off, I would yell at him. We had been awake for days.
I finally demanded he let me drive or let me out. He took the next exit and told me to get out.
So, there I was in the middle of the night, miles from home, standing by an industrial park, holding a phone without service.
That was the point, one of the most helpless moments of my active meth use, when I looked into the starry sky and knew that I was done with that life.
There wasn't much I was sure of, like how I would get home, but one thing I knew in my heart was that I would be free from meth.
A certainty came over me that calmed my nervous system.
The rest of that night is a story that I'll save for another time. I don't have the space here for that two-day adventure.
What is important for you to know is that being left on the side of the road that night is my day one of recovery.
So, you may hear me say I've been Tina-free for almost seven years. But my day one of recovery began 8 1/2 years ago.
That moment began the descent out of my addictive patterns. Yes, I used after that night, but everything was different.
Even though I was going through the motions, a newfound resolve pulsed through my veins along with the substance.
A knowingness that no matter what the external circumstances were, I was on my way out.
That is faith in the unseen.
That is certainty beyond logic.
That is trust in the divine plan activated by a soul decision.
The journey out of that life required more using experiences to prepare me with the strength to break free.
If I were to get mired in guilt and shame associated with a 'relapse,' I may have wandered around lost for many more years.
There's something powerful happening in your life right now, even if you can't see it yet.
The very fact that you're reading these words means you've already begun your journey home to yourself.
This isn't just another recovery newsletter – this is your reminder that you are exactly where you need to be.
You see, the moment you first whispered to the universe "I want to stop using," something profound shifted.
Not in the physical world – not yet – but in the spiritual realm where all change begins.
Your reality is shaped not by what your eyes see but by the certainty you hold in your heart.
