The voices in my head were the loudest when my mind was distracted with tasks like driving or mowing the lawn.
It was as if my inner critic stepped through the veil of my prefrontal cortex to hijack my thoughts.
That's when I would hear, "You're a faggot" or "What if Jesus came back right now? You'd be left behind."
I remember driving to work one day after I had watched gay porn on my computer (dial-up, so you know I worked hard for it).
The voices were so loud that I turned the radio up to full volume and screamed as loud as possible.
This was my life for decades.
I didn't know I was experiencing internalized homophobia.
This living hell drove me to choose a tree along my route to work that looked like it would stop my truck.
Every day, I would revise my plan to end my life. How fast would I need to go? What would be the right angle?
I would drive without my seatbelt on purpose as a practice run.
Many gay men grow up hating themselves for what they are.
We are told that who we are is wrong. Sinful. Demon-possessed.
That message doesn't go away once we come out. In fact, the voices grew louder for me.
I walked into a community that still valued 'straight-acting' over 'queeny' men.
Where did I belong?
When could I be me?
Who the hell am I?
What would finally take the pain away?
Enter crystal meth.
The masc for masc culture in this community literally makes me sick to my stomach.
Every time I see that phrase or witness straight-looking tops being worshipped as idols, my stomach turns.
It is a trigger response that I am responsible for healing. And I'm really working on it.
Part of that healing is coming in the form of presenting interviews like this one with Paulo.
My prayer is that every gay man who listens to this podcast takes a step today to be comfortable in their own skin, be proud of who they are, and have the sex of their dreams without chemical enhancements.
Enjoy the episode!
Listen to the Podcast HERE.
Watch the Podcast HERE.
Understanding Homo-negativity
You'll hear that Paulo and Mell present an alternative to homophobia, and that is homonegativity.
The concept of homo-negativity offers a crucial reframing of what many know as internalized homophobia.
Rather than focusing solely on fear (phobia), homo-negativity describes the negative internal narratives that LGBTQ+ individuals develop about themselves as a result of societal messaging.
These narratives often manifest as self-doubt, shame, and a deep sense of unworthiness.
Paulo's early experiences of deepening his voice, modifying his behavior, and trying to present himself as more masculine illustrate how these internal narratives can shape daily behaviors and self-expression.
How have societal messages about LGBTQ+ identity influenced your self-perception and behavior?
The Role of Shame and Fear
Paulo's journey highlights how shame and fear become deeply intertwined with identity for many LGBTQ+ individuals.
This shame often stems from early experiences of rejection, societal disapproval, and internalized negative messages.
In Paulo's case, being kicked out at 16 and having to navigate life as a street kid reinforced these feelings of unworthiness and shame.
This toxic combination of shame and fear can create a powerful drive toward substance use as a coping mechanism.
What role has shame played in your relationship with substances or addictive behaviors?
Substance Use as Temporary Liberation
Crystal meth, as Paulo explains, often serves as a powerful but destructive solution to internalized homo-negativity.
The drug temporarily eliminates shame, allowing individuals to feel free from the constant self-monitoring and self-judgment that many LGBTQ+ individuals experience.
Paulo describes how crystal meth provided instant relief from the burden of self-consciousness and allowed for sexual exploration without the usual barriers of shame and anxiety.
However, this chemical freedom comes at a devastating cost, ultimately deepening the cycle of shame and self-hatred.
What steps can you take to get more comfortable with sober sex? If you need help with this, reply and let me know.
The Impact on Relationships and Community
Paulo's experience illustrates how internalized homo-negativity affects not just individual self-perception but also the ability to form meaningful relationships.
Many individuals, like Paulo, develop patterns of pushing people away while simultaneously craving connection - the "love me, love me, stay away from me" dynamic he describes.
This pattern can make it particularly challenging to build authentic relationships in recovery.
What is your pattern when it comes to building relationships? Think about the last few guys you've attempted to date- what are the recurring patterns?
The Recovery Journey
Recovery, as demonstrated through Paulo's story, requires addressing both substance use and the underlying negative self-narratives. This process involves:
- Developing vulnerability and authenticity in relationships
- Learning to navigate intimate relationships without substances
- Building a supportive community that celebrates rather than merely tolerates LGBTQ+ identity
- Addressing trauma and early experiences of rejection
- Creating new narratives about self-worth and identity
How has your relationship with your identity evolved throughout your recovery journey?
The Role of Community in Healing
Paulo emphasizes the crucial importance of finding affirming spaces and communities in recovery.
These spaces provide opportunities to experience acceptance and challenge negative self-narratives.
For Paulo, this included both recovery communities and LGBTQ+ spaces where he could fully express himself.
His journey from hiding his authentic self to embracing all aspects of his identity, including his drag persona, exemplifies the possibility of healing and growth.
Professional Support and Treatment
Paulo's work at No Matter What Recovery highlights the importance of LGBTQ+ affirming care in treatment settings. True affirming care goes beyond being "friendly" to address specific needs such as:
- Proper use of pronouns and chosen names
- Understanding of LGBTQ+ specific trauma and challenges
- Safe and appropriate housing arrangements
- Competent handling of LGBTQ+ health concerns
- Support for families learning to accept LGBTQ+ loved ones
Paulo's story reminds us that healing from internalized homo-negativity is an ongoing process.
As I mentioned in the podcast, I was still embarrassed for people in public to see my nails painted.
Healing is a journey.
Even after years of recovery and professional success, moments of self-doubt or internalized shame may arise.
The difference lies in having the tools, support, and self-awareness to recognize and address these moments when they occur.
We have work to do, y'all!
I'm here to support you! Reply to this email!
Love, Dallas
Journal Prompts
- Write about a time when you felt completely free to be yourself. What made that moment possible?
- Describe your ideal supporting community. What qualities would its members possess?
- Reflect on the narratives you tell yourself about your identity. Where did these stories originate?
- Write a letter to your younger self about self-acceptance and authenticity.
- Describe a moment when you chose authenticity over fitting in. How did it feel?
Action Exercises
- Identity Affirmation Practice
- Each morning, look in the mirror and say three positive affirmations about your identity
- Document how your comfort level with this exercise changes over time
- Community Building
- Research and list three LGBTQ+ affirming spaces in your area
- Commit to visiting one new space or group within the next month
- Journal about your experience afterward
- Authentic Expression Exercise
- Choose one aspect of yourself you've been hiding
- Practice expressing it in increasingly challenging situations
- Start with trusted friends and gradually expand your comfort zone
- Support Network Development
- List the people who make you feel safe and accepted
- Identify gaps in your support system
- Make a plan to strengthen existing connections and build new ones
- Personal Values Clarification
- Write down your personal values, independent of others' expectations
- Identify areas where your actions align with these values
- Create specific goals for bringing your life into greater alignment with your values
Responses