Have You Been Intimate Post-Meth

Whenever I had a man over to ParTy and Play, I hoped it would be intimate.

I longed for love in a community void of it.

When I found intimacy, it was from young guys who turned out to be escorts. Knowing exactly what to say and how to say it to an old man who needed companionship.

Worked every time.

I was reeled in like a dumbass fish.

And thrown back.

Intimacy has always eluded me.

When I find guys interested in me, they always want a sexual version of me that doesn't exist.

"Your pics make you look so masculine."

I'm too nice and sweet and considerate for most gay men. They want their trauma played out, I suppose. Slap 'em around and make them feel useless.

That isn't me.

I have this ingrained belief that I don't belong anywhere. And that perspective was a self-fulfilling prophecy inside the meth community.

And I realized this week the belief is still alive.

I'm still not dominant enough. Not masculine enough. Not enough.

You see, recovery isn't the end of the healing. You are continually given opportunities to heal and rewrite your beliefs about yourself.

As my current relationship has shown me, I still carry a belief that I am not enough sexually. In fact, I was told that to my face.

I'm taking this experience and celebrating. There is work to do internally. There is healing and spaciousness waiting on the other side of this situation.

I'm embracing it all.

Love you, friends. Dallas 💚

There are still two slots open for new 1:1 Coaching clients in the month of October. If you are ready to get sober before 2025, apply here.

This week's podcast is a juicy one! I interview Alex Ray, a Queer Intimacy Coach. We cover a ton of ground!

Listen here:

Watch here:

Podcast Study Guide

1. Defining Intimacy

Intimacy is defined as authentic connection between two or more people. It doesn't have to be sexual or physical; emotional intimacy is often a foundation for physical intimacy.

Intimacy can take various forms, including emotional (sharing feelings and vulnerabilities), physical (both sexual and non-sexual touch), intellectual (sharing ideas and engaging in meaningful conversations), and experiential (sharing activities and creating memories together).

Many individuals face barriers to intimacy, such as fear of rejection or abandonment, past traumas (especially related to addiction), shame, low self-esteem, and difficulty being vulnerable.

These obstacles can be particularly challenging for those in recovery, as addiction often serves as a substitute for genuine intimacy. Recognizing this, it's important to understand that relearning healthy ways of connecting is a crucial part of the recovery process.

Building intimacy is a skill that can be developed over time. It often helps to start with low-risk situations, such as opening up to an Uber driver or barista about your day.

This allows you to practice vulnerability in a safe context. As you become more comfortable, you can gradually increase the level of vulnerability in trusted relationships.

Throughout this process, it's essential to practice active listening and empathy, both in understanding others and in being patient with yourself as you navigate new ways of relating.

2. Building Confidence

Confidence is described as the certainty in yourself that no matter what, you're going to have your own back and be kind to yourself.

It's important to understand that confidence is not about never feeling fear, but about moving forward despite fear. It's a skill that can be developed, not an innate trait that some people have and others don't.

Alex Ray outlines a three-step process for building confidence:

First, be willing to be uncomfortable. Second, take action towards that discomfort. Third, have your own back by being kind to yourself afterward. This process acknowledges that building confidence often involves pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, but it emphasizes the importance of self-compassion throughout the journey.

In the context of recovery, building confidence takes on added significance. It's crucial to acknowledge the courage it takes to pursue recovery and to celebrate small victories and progress along the way.

Understanding that setbacks are part of the process and don't define your worth is also key to maintaining confidence during challenging times.

Interestingly, both internal and external validation play important roles in building confidence. While it's essential to develop internal self-assurance, seeking out supportive relationships that offer healthy validation can also be beneficial.

The key is learning to internalize positive feedback and experiences, using them to strengthen your self-concept.

When it comes to intimate relationships, confidence manifests in the ability to assert your needs and boundaries, recognize that vulnerability can increase attraction and connection, and understand that your worth is not dependent on your partner's approval.

These skills are particularly valuable in recovery, where establishing healthy relationships is often a crucial part of the healing process.

3. Mindful Masturbation

Mindful masturbation is a practice that involves connecting with your body and mind during self-pleasure, without relying on pornography or substances.

This practice can be particularly beneficial for individuals in recovery, as it helps reconnect with one's body in a healthy way and separates sexual pleasure from substance use.

The benefits of mindful masturbation extend beyond physical pleasure. It can improve overall sexual function and satisfaction, build self-awareness, and foster self-acceptance.

By focusing on physical sensations rather than fantasy, practitioners can develop a deeper understanding of their bodies and their sexual responses.

Techniques for mindful masturbation include experimenting with different types of touch and pressure, practicing deep breathing and body scanning, and incorporating all senses (for example, paying attention to smells and sounds).

It's important to approach this practice with patience and self-compassion, especially if you initially struggle to reach orgasm or find your mind wandering to thoughts of substance use.

For those in recovery, mindful masturbation can serve as a bridge to healthier partnered sexual experiences. By learning what you enjoy through solo practice, you can better communicate your desires to partners.

Moreover, the mindfulness techniques used in this practice can be applied to partnered sex, potentially enhancing intimacy and pleasure for both parties.

4. Overcoming Erectile Dysfunction (ED)

Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is often more of a mental issue than a physical one, particularly for individuals in recovery.

Understanding its normalcy and addressing underlying mental factors can go a long way in overcoming this challenge. It's crucial to recognize that occasional difficulty with erections is normal and doesn't necessarily indicate a serious problem.

ED can be influenced by a variety of psychological factors, including performance anxiety, internalized shame or guilt (especially related to past substance use), fear of intimacy or vulnerability, and negative body image.

For those in recovery, these factors may be particularly pronounced as they navigate intimacy without the influence of substances.

Strategies for addressing ED often start with open communication with sexual partners. This can help alleviate anxiety and set realistic expectations. It's also beneficial to focus on overall intimacy and pleasure, rather than solely on penetration.

Mindfulness techniques can be helpful in staying present during sexual experiences and managing anxiety.

While medications like Viagra can be a useful tool for some, it's important to understand that they don't automatically cause erections and aren't a cure-all solution.

Addressing the underlying psychological factors is crucial for long-term sexual health and satisfaction. In many cases, therapy can be helpful in working through these issues.

Rebuilding sexual confidence is a process that requires patience and self-compassion.

Engaging in non-sexual physical intimacy can help build comfort and trust with a partner. It's also helpful to reframe "failure" as an opportunity for learning and growth, and to celebrate all forms of physical and emotional connection, not just "successful" intercourse.

5. Navigating Relationships in Recovery

Recovery can significantly impact existing relationships and the formation of new ones.

In existing relationships, individuals in recovery often face challenges such as rebuilding trust that may have been damaged during active addiction, renegotiating roles and responsibilities, learning to communicate and resolve conflicts without substances, and potentially dealing with a partner who may still be using substances.

Forming new relationships in recovery brings its own set of considerations. It's important to understand when you're ready for a new relationship and to be honest about your recovery journey with potential partners.

Setting healthy boundaries and communicating needs clearly are crucial skills in this context. It's also important to be aware of potential triggers in new relationships and to have strategies in place for managing them.

Addressing codependency is often a key aspect of navigating relationships in recovery. This involves identifying codependent behaviors that may have developed during addiction, learning to differentiate between healthy support and enabling, and developing a strong sense of self outside of relationships.

Intimacy without substances can be a new and sometimes challenging experience for those in recovery. Learning to be vulnerable and authentic without the "liquid courage" of substances takes time and practice.

Developing new, healthy rituals for connection and intimacy can be helpful, as can addressing fears or insecurities about sober sex and intimacy.

For those supporting a partner in recovery, education about addiction and recovery is crucial. Patience and understanding during the recovery process are key, as is engaging in open, honest communication about needs and boundaries. Many couples find that therapy or support groups for partners of those in recovery can be beneficial.

Remember, recovery is a journey that affects all aspects of life, including relationships and intimacy. Be patient with yourself and others as you navigate these changes, and don't hesitate to seek professional support when needed.

With time, effort, and the right support, it's possible to develop deep, fulfilling relationships and a satisfying intimate life in recovery.

Reflective Questions

1. How do you currently define intimacy in your life? Has this definition changed after reading the study guide?
2. What are your biggest fears or insecurities when it comes to being intimate with others?
3. How has your relationship with your body and sexuality changed since entering recovery?
4. In what areas of your life do you struggle most with confidence?
5. How has your past experiences with addiction affected your current approach to relationships and intimacy?

Journal Prompts

1. Write about a time when you felt truly seen and accepted by someone. How did it make you feel, and how did it impact your relationship with that person?
2. Describe your ideal intimate relationship. What qualities and behaviors would both you and your partner exhibit?
3. Reflect on a moment when you felt particularly unconfident. What thoughts were going through your mind? How would you reframe those thoughts now?
4. If you could go back and speak to your younger self at the height of your addiction, what would you say? What advice or comfort would you offer?
5. Write about a vulnerable conversation you'd like to have with someone in your life. What would you say, and what outcome would you hope for?

Action Exercises

1. Practice the three steps to building confidence: a. Choose a situation that makes you slightly uncomfortable. b. Take action towards that discomfort (e.g., walking past a group that intimidates you). c. Have your own back by being kind to yourself afterward, regardless of the outcome.
2. Try a mindful masturbation session:
   • Find a private, comfortable space.
   • Focus on your body sensations without using pornography.
   • If your mind wanders to past experiences or substance use, gently bring your attention back to the present moment.
3. Practice vulnerability in a low-risk situation:
   • Choose someone you don't know well (e.g., a barista or Uber driver).
   • Share something genuine about your day or how you're feeling.
   • Notice how it feels to open up, even in a small way.
4. Create a self-validation ritual:
   • Each day, look in the mirror and say three things you appreciate about yourself.
   • Include both physical and non-physical attributes.
   • Notice how this practice affects your overall confidence over time.
5. Plan a conversation about intimacy:
   • If you're in a relationship, schedule a time to talk with your partner about your desires and fears regarding intimacy.
   • If you're single, consider discussing this topic with a close friend or therapist.
   • Use "I" statements and focus on expressing your feelings and needs.

October 10, 2024