Grieving Your Past (addiction) Self in 5 Stages

People who have had Near Death Experiences (NDE) report undergoing life reviews. Imagine a play-by-play of your story from birth to life projected on a celestial screen. I've used this possibility to help deter bad decisions. "If I do this, will I want it rehashed for the whole universe to watch like a Housewives episode?"

Recently I encountered my own version of life review while packing to move. You might be able to relate to the process of determining which relics from the past to keep or purge.

It occurred to me that this ritual could have energetic implications as well. Why not make this review a parallel process?

Opening the dust-covered boxes wasn’t mechanical, but intentional. As I tossed certain items I would correlate them to aspects of my identity. I said out loud, "That part of me has died and become something new”. This has been a practice of mine since early in my recovery journey.

Allowing parts of yourself to die is difficult and slow. I wish it were as simple as tossing a box of old letters and tchotchkes into the garbage. But, as any addict knows, nothing worth having is easy.

This phenomenon was blatantly illustrated to me while transferring an armful of journals from drawer to box. A small black book fell to the floor and opened to a page I had written in 2012. I was still married and closeted at the time.

What I read stunned me.

My entry spoke of the need to create and follow a monthly budget. I went on to lament about my money management skills. Then I reported on how many consecutive days it had been since I had secretly watched pornography. And finally, I described being upset over my inconsistency in maintaining focus while working.

I quickly found my current journal and flipped to the entries I had made over the past week. My body slumped in dismay. I had essentially written about the same parts of me that weren't serving my highest good. 12 years later.

At that point, I had a decision to make. My initial reaction was sadness and regret. How could I be struggling with the same shit? Haven't I evolved at all? My mind wanted to drag me down into the self-loathing spiral.

Instead, I asked, "How can I see this situation differently?"

After some time in silence, my body straightened as I reframed. What are the chances that I would drop this book and it open to this page? I had just been blessed with a divine nudge. I made a conscious decision: Today I nail the coffin shut on parts of my identity.

A shift happened at that moment. My past self was put to rest. I immediately created a budget and my schedule for the following week. As far as pornography, well, that represented the presence of my addiction before it reared its head. I'm happy to say that is not a problem for me now.

Coffee on the other hand......

By the way, I offer a Sobriety Journaling MasterClass to:

👉 help you get started 👉 get past the blocks 👉 structure your page 👉 track your addiction cycles, and 👉 prepare to write your memoirs.

In reflection, it occurred to me that self-actualized sobriety is about identity death. We are killing off years of thought patterns, emotional reactions, and behavioral maladaptations. This is a process.

A grieving process.

We have to give up everything we know about ourselves.

I want you to know that it is OK to feel a profound sense of loss and grief for the person you were during active addiction. That person did the best they could. Please extend grace instead of anger or hate toward them. Grieve them as you would a passed loved one.

How can we do this? I have found it useful to mirror the five stages of grief identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

1.     Denial: Just as individuals may deny the reality of a loved one's death, those in early recovery may deny the severity of their addiction and its impact on their lives. They may minimize the consequences of their actions and cling to the belief that they can control their substance use. This denial serves as a coping mechanism, protecting them from the painful reality of their situation.

I see this often with people who have developed a preconceived idea of "addict". If one isn't homeless, skinny, and toothless they aren't addicted to drugs.

"I'm not THEM."

If you are purposely putting lethal chemicals into your body, you are THEM. The question is not whether or not you are addicted, it is what has happened to you in your life to lose self-respect (and self-love).

At this stage, we are unconscious. This means we are operating based on the past; the beliefs that have been given to us through external conditioning. We have virtually no control over our lives. Denial is ignorance of our inner selves.

2.     Anger: As the denial begins to fade, individuals may experience intense anger and frustration. They may direct this anger towards themselves, their addiction, or external factors they believe contributed to their substance use. This anger may manifest as irritability, mood swings, and a general sense of discontent. It is essential to acknowledge and process this anger in a healthy manner.

For me and many others, this anger is misappropriated toward those in our lives who love us the most. I lashed out at my family, who were the only ones who wanted the best for me. I believe this comes from subconscious resentment of past events that fed into our addictive behaviors.

3.     Bargaining: In the bargaining stage, individuals may attempt to negotiate with themselves or a higher power, making promises to change their behavior in exchange for the ability to continue using substances. They may set arbitrary deadlines or make deals, such as "I'll quit after this last time" or "If I can just use it on weekends, I'll be fine." This stage reflects the struggle to let go of the addicted self and the fear of facing life without the crutch of substances.

I've seen many people in this stage trying to impress friends, family, or treatment center counselors with seemingly heartfelt declarations. There is a part of them that is sincere when they make promises or take an interest in recovery techniques, but the head is not in line with heart just yet.

There is a common wish among the men I help who are struggling with crystal meth. If only they could use it when they wanted in a contained environment. If only meth became a recreational and controllable drug. This is bargaining with the impossible and only serves to buy time.

4.     Depression: As the reality of the loss sets in, individuals may experience profound sadness and despair. They may grieve the time, relationships, and opportunities lost to their addiction. This stage can be particularly challenging, as individuals must confront the void left by their substance use and learn to cope with difficult emotions without turning to their addictive behaviors. Support from loved ones, professionals, and peers in recovery is crucial during this stage.

Many people won't understand how an addict can miss their life in addiction. We have to let go of the only state of being we've ever known. That is a difficult process.

And now we are a raw nerve feeling the intensity of every single emotion that we've spent our lives avoiding. It feels overwhelming and can very easily lead to depressive states. At this stage, many addicts elect to take mood stabilizers in order to bridge this gap. Eventually, recovery allows one to fully feel and express all that has been bottled up inside.

5.     Acceptance: In the final stage of grieving the addicted self, individuals come to terms with their past and embrace their new identity in recovery. They acknowledge the pain and destruction caused by their addiction but also recognize the growth and resilience they have developed through their healing journey. Acceptance does not mean forgetting or dismissing the past, but rather integrating it into a new, healthier sense of self.

This is the stage when the heart aligns with the head. The inner intention of the addict aligns with the outer intention so that recovery moves forward. We are no longer saying one thing but doing another. We no longer secretly wish we could still use or flirt with cravings.

We are sold out and embracing our new identity. We've set a clear vision of ourselves in recovery and align with it through our thoughts, words, and actions.

Throughout the grieving process, it is essential to practice self-compassion and seek support. Grief is a highly individual experience, and there is no right or wrong way to move through these stages. Some may progress linearly, while others may find themselves cycling back and forth between stages.

Accept that grief is a necessary part of the healing process. Take time to objectively observe instead of place judgments on the way in which you grieve.

Transformation is occurring within.

By understanding and honoring the grieving process, you are able to assimilate your emotions and ground your behaviors. Being able to pinpoint the stages, you will feel less chaotic and isolated.

Welcome home to you.

Love you! Dallas 💚

June 11, 2024