If you haven't heard yet, I was dumped.
I was told that I didn't do it for him sexually.
Right there in bed after a failed attempt to do it for him sexually.
After the smoke of heartbreak, embarrassment, shame, anger, and confusion cleared, I received the learning.
This experience was my first attempt to apply all of the sexual healing I've been working on post-meth. Hours of mindful masturbation, sexual transmutation breathwork, and energy clearing. None of which involved another human.
So, when I was given the open space (in the beginning) to share my thoughts and feelings as I journeyed through sexual exploration, I took the opportunity too far.
I spoke endlessly about my fears, doubts, insecurities, added pressures on myself to perform, and doubts about my sexual organs working properly. This communication crossed the line from transparency to self-sabotage.
I implanted unnecessary thoughts and behaviors into the relationship that ended up creating a reality that I feared most: being not enough.
When the evidence wasn't even there.
All it takes is a psychological shift, an accepted belief, and energy added to thoughts.
And this is the learning for all of us. There are intrusive thoughts we believe about ourselves. Some of these thoughts were created in our heads, while others were given to us by the outside world.
These intrusive thoughts become our beliefs. Our beliefs become our external reality.
If you think you are a failure, you will fail.
If you think you are too much, you'll attract low-tolerance people.
If you think you are ugly, you will find ways to compare to others
If you think you are sexually impotent, you'll attract an impatient sexual being.
Rebuilding your sexual template after a meth addiction takes time and work. It also requires a deep dive into the recesses of your subconscious.
What do you believe about yourself that is causing your current reality? What beliefs are driving you back into relapse?
October is half over! I am taking one new client for my 1:1 Coaching Program to help you break free from crystal meth addiction. In 120 days, your life could look completely different. If you are interested in applying, click here.
This week's podcast is a FUN ONE! I was able to sit down with a queer urologist to talk about all things sexual health. Dr. Tom Gaither specializes in bottoming health but also gives some super helpful advice about Erective Dysfunction (ED).
Listen to the podcast here:
Watch the podcast here:
Podcast Study Guide:
Key Topics
1. Erectile Dysfunction (ED) and Recovery
Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a common issue faced by many individuals, particularly those recovering from meth addiction.
ED can persist long into recovery due to a combination of psychological and physiological factors.
Psychologically, anxiety, depression, and performance anxiety can significantly impact sexual function. The trauma and trust issues stemming from experiences during active addiction can further complicate matters, making it difficult to relax and feel comfortable during intimate moments.
Physiologically, meth use can cause vascular damage, affecting blood flow to the penis. This damage may take time to heal, even after cessation of drug use. Additionally, the intense sexual experiences often associated with meth use can alter one's sexual template, making it challenging to achieve arousal in sober situations.
Recovery from ED involves addressing both the mind and body.
This may include therapy to work through psychological barriers, medical interventions to address physical issues, and patience as the body heals.
It's important to note that nocturnal erections (waking up with an erection) can be a good indicator of physical capability, suggesting that persistent ED might have a stronger psychological component.
Reflective Questions:
- How has your experience with ED changed throughout your recovery journey?
- What are the main factors contributing to your ED (psychological, physiological, or both)?
- How has your understanding of intimacy changed since entering recovery?
Journal Prompts:
- Describe a time when you felt anxiety or pressure related to sexual performance. How did it affect you?
- Write about your ideal intimate relationship. How does it differ from your experiences during addiction?
- Reflect on any shame or guilt you feel related to your sexual experiences during addiction. How can you work towards self-forgiveness?
Action Exercises:
- Practice diaphragmatic breathing for 5 minutes daily to help relax pelvic floor muscles.
- Schedule a check-up with a urologist to discuss any ongoing ED issues.
- Engage in non-sexual intimate activities with a partner (e.g., massage, cuddling) to build trust and comfort.
2. Bottoming and Anal Health
Bottoming, or receptive anal intercourse, is a common sexual practice among gay and bisexual men, but it's often surrounded by misconceptions and potential health concerns.
Proper understanding and care are crucial for a safe and enjoyable experience.
One key aspect of comfortable and pleasurable bottoming is relaxation. The anus and rectum contain two rings of muscle that need to be relaxed for comfortable penetration.
Stress, anxiety, or internalized homophobia can cause these muscles to tense involuntarily, leading to pain or discomfort. Learning relaxation techniques and addressing psychological barriers can significantly improve the bottoming experience.
Proper preparation is another crucial element. While many individuals engage in douching (cleaning the rectum with water) before anal sex, it's important to note that excessive douching can disrupt the natural bacterial balance and potentially increase the risk of STIs.
A high-fiber diet can help maintain bowel health and reduce the need for extensive cleaning.
Pain during or after bottoming should not be ignored. It can be a sign of various issues, including anal fissures, hemorrhoids, or a hypertonic pelvic floor (overly tight pelvic muscles).
Regular check-ups with a healthcare provider knowledgeable about anal health are important for addressing these concerns.
Communication with sexual partners is vital. This includes discussing boundaries, comfort levels, and the use of protection. Remember that bottoming should never be painful, and it's okay to stop if discomfort occurs.
Lastly, it's worth noting that the anus and rectum can adapt over time. What might feel uncomfortable initially can become more pleasurable with practice and patience. However, this should always be approached gradually and with respect for one's own body and boundaries.
Reflective Questions:
- How comfortable are you discussing your needs and boundaries with sexual partners?
- What fears or anxieties do you have about bottoming?
- How has your relationship with your body changed since entering recovery?
Journal Prompts:
- Describe your ideal sexual experience as a bottom. What makes it satisfying and comfortable?
- Reflect on any negative experiences you've had while bottoming. What could have been done differently?
- Write about your journey in accepting your sexuality. Have you struggled with internalized homophobia?
Action Exercises:
- Research and try different relaxation techniques (e.g., meditation, progressive muscle relaxation) to help with pelvic floor relaxation.
- Incorporate more fiber into your diet (e.g., psyllium husk) to improve bowel health and reduce the need for excessive douching.
- Practice communication skills by role-playing discussions about sexual boundaries and preferences with a trusted friend or therapist.
3. Rebuilding Intimacy in Recovery
Rebuilding intimacy in recovery is a complex but crucial process.
During active addiction, particularly with meth use, individuals often experience a false sense of intimacy and connection fueled by the drug.
This can lead to oversharing, boundary violations, and a distorted view of what genuine intimacy looks like.
In recovery, the challenge is to relearn how to connect with others authentically without the influence of substances. This process often begins with rebuilding trust - both in oneself and in others.
It involves learning to be vulnerable in a healthy way, which can feel scary after the often chaotic and boundary-less experiences of addiction.
Intimacy in recovery goes beyond just sexual connections. It includes emotional intimacy, which involves sharing feelings, fears, and hopes with others. This type of sharing can feel particularly challenging for those in early recovery, as it requires a level of vulnerability that may feel uncomfortable or unfamiliar.
Physical intimacy also needs to be relearned. This doesn't just mean sex, but also non-sexual touch like hugging, holding hands, or cuddling. Many individuals find that they need to go slow with physical intimacy, as it can trigger memories of past experiences or feel overwhelming without the numbing effect of substances.
Communication plays a vital role in rebuilding intimacy. This includes learning to express needs and boundaries clearly, as well as listening to and respecting the needs of others. It also involves being honest about one's recovery journey and any challenges or triggers that may arise in intimate situations.
Reflective Questions:
- How do you define genuine intimacy now that you're in recovery?
- What are your biggest fears about being emotionally vulnerable with others?
- How has your capacity for intimacy changed since entering recovery?
Journal Prompts:
- Describe a moment of genuine connection you've experienced in recovery. How did it differ from connections during active addiction?
- Write about your ideal support system. Who would be in it, and what kind of support would they offer?
- Reflect on the qualities you bring to a relationship. How have these changed or improved in recovery?
Action Exercises:
- Practice sharing something vulnerable with a trusted friend or support group member this week.
- Engage in a non-sexual physical activity that promotes body awareness (e.g., yoga, dance, martial arts).
- Write a list of your personal boundaries and practice communicating them in various scenarios.
Conclusion
Recovery from meth addiction involves not just abstaining from substances, but also rebuilding a healthy relationship with yourself and others. This includes addressing sexual health issues, learning to communicate effectively, and cultivating genuine intimacy. Remember that healing is a process, and it's okay to seek professional help when needed. Be patient with yourself as you navigate this journey towards healthier sexuality and relationships.
Love, Dallas 💚
October 17, 2024
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